Monday, October 24, 2011

Innocents We Have Lost

Children and unborn infants who lost their lives.  This is a very difficult topic for anyone who has lost a child.  There are so many unanswered questions that we have, but the biggest question is why?  Why have they been prematurely taken from this world and their families?  There are so many different answers out there.  We want the answers but then again, no answer is acceptable.

In the particular case of those who did not even make it completely into this world, your heart breaks into the many what if's, and the so many memories that will never be shared.  I know first hand what it is like to lose a child that wanted so much to be a part of your life.  This coming Thursday of last year was when we lost Jack.  He was not planned but was foretold.

There were two different individuals that had told us about the coming of our son, even before we were officially a couple.  There was one person, a friend of a friend, who had special gifts of sight.  He had casually told me that I would have a son.  I didn't know him at all personally- just an acquaintance.  Then there was a woman who I had visited every five or so years.  Yes, she was a clairvoyant- and a very good one.  She was completely legitimate; she was a psychotherapist with a long background of counseling others.  When I had hit a brick wall in my life, I sought her out for some direction.

It was a three hour drive to a town I had never been to.  I had lost track of her for some time but found her in a New Age magazine that I had come across.  There she was, doing readings- like I was meant to find this advertisement for this little new age shop.   I had been dating Christian for a little while and dragged him with me.  During my reading she told me how he brought peace into my life and told me that he may be the one.  She also told me that if I choose to have another child, it will be a boy.  Since this meeting, I have lost track of Joanne.  I hope that this day finds her well.

After I had lost Jack, I fell into great despair.  The list of, "what did I do wrong", piled into my head.  Not only was losing him a horrible weight to bare, but so was the depression that Christian had fallen into.  I felt that I had failed them both.  It was not only that we had lost him, but the way we had lost him as well that tormented me.  Unfortunately, he had passed during the early morning and I had to cut his life line to me.  These horrible images I could not get out of my head.  With Christian stuck in his own bubble, I turned to my friend Mary Anne for healing.

Mary Anne is a licensed massage therapist and bodyworker.  Her background is heavily based in energy work and oriental methods.  She and I have a very similar mind set when it comes to spirituality.  She is one of the sweetest people you could ever meet and I trust her completely.  She and I met one day so she could perform an energy work session for me to aid in healing my broken spirit.  I will never forget what she did for me that day.  She asked if I may see my son to know that he was alright, if I consented to it.  She asked this in silence without my knowing.  During the session, I felt myself leave for awhile.  There was so much light and joy.  There were people standing around, but I couldn't clearly make out any faces.  Then before me, there was someone holding a baby.  The baby laughed and wiggled... it was Jack.  I could feel that he didn't want me to be sad.  A wave of relief had come over me and I couldn't let him down with my continued depression, but I still missed him so very much.

At the end of our session.  Mary Anne had also told me that she received a message, "not ready yet."  I'm not sure who wasn't ready yet, although it could have been me as I was such an emotional wreck then entire time I was pregnant.  It could also have been the circumstances of our unstable life situation.  Whatever it was, "yet" still rings in my ears.

Shortly after this event, I had bought a book by Doreen Virtue, PhD, How To Hear Your Angels.  It was in this book I read, children that don't grow to full term births stay by their mother's sides.  These souls then have "first dibs" on the next body that the mother conceives.  So if you have another child, there is a good chance that this is the same soul.  If you do not conceive again, the soul may grow up next to the mother and become a spirit guide or the soul will enter into the physical world through the mother's family in another way, such as adoption, or by becoming a niece or nephew.  She also notes an excerpt from A Course in Miracles, that "no one dies without his own consent."  As I read on to personal accounts in her book, I had hopes that I would see Jack again, in this life.

He was not planned but foretold.  A child meant to be.  Jack will always remain in our hearts and I will be awaiting his return.  I love you Jack.

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